everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
