somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
