and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
