What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
