its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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