sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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