Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
