I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
