Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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