i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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