ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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