life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
