If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
