He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
