i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
