my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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