he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
