so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
