My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
