i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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