I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
