the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
