2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
