Someone shit on the floor
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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