Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
