as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
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