I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
