That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
