btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
