They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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