he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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