Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
