What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
