i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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