Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
