I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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