I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
