i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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