I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
