I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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