when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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