Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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