I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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