I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
my liver is dry heaving
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
