Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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