I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
