new low.... made out with someone while peeing
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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