I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize