Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
