I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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