No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
