Old men and throwing up are my life now.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
