the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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