Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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