i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
