My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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