I wish I could punch you in the face.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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