I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
