I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
