when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
