yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
