I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
