Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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