He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize